May 12, 2006
The darkest moment
Jacob has been a blessing from the day he was born. He's generally very happy, cries very little, eats well, enjoys his brothers, loves nursing, and is just all around a joy to have. I've always felt he was my reward, extra easy, to make up for all the pain we went through with Benjamin.
He's also sleeping through the night. At seven months, I put him to bed at 7 pm and he goes to sleep within minutes, without any fussing. He usually sleeps until around 6 am. It's pretty much perfect timing - we can enjoy that morning cuddle and it leaves enough time to get everybody else up, dressed, fed and out of the door by 8:15.
This morning was different, though. He didn't wake up and call out for his morning snack as usual. I was actually okay with that - David had been up since 4:30 and every additional moment of rest was welcome. But it was getting late and I had to wake him. So I went over to the boys' room (they all sleep in one very big room). It was very quiet. The sun had just risen and the window was open - a slight breeze moved the curtains gently. It seemed very peaceful.
I walked over to his crib and was surprised to see him lie with his eyes wide open. I bent over the bed and said, "good morning, sweetie".
There was no reaction.
He stared off into the faraways, unblinking, utterly still. I touched him. His hands were ice cold.
Between this and the next moment, there wasn't much time for coherence. I remember only one distinct thought and that was "NO!".
I whipped him out of his crib, and shook him, hard. He gasped, blinked, and started fussing. Within seconds, the world was back in its place.
I think this was the single scariest moment in my life. It's as if the bottom drops out under you. Your whole life is changed in an instant and there is nothing you can do. Everything will be wrong from now on. And then, all is well again. "Roller coaster" doesn't begin to describe it.
I don't know what happened. Maybe he had slept with his eyes open, although I've never seen him do that before. Maybe he was just cold from the breeze. It probably was nothing at all.
I'm still shaken.
Posted by claudia at May 12, 2006 07:25 AMMy God, I got the shakes just reading this. Crib death has been in my (and my wife's) nightmares since the day our first daughter was born. I can't even begin to imagine the hell of having it happen. I'm sure the jolt you had was horrific. I'm glad all is well.
Posted by: Michael M. at May 12, 2006 10:36 AMThank God he is alright. I would have gotten 10 years older on that split of a second...
Posted by: Stefan at May 12, 2006 04:21 PMOh how terrifying. I'm glad he's all right. Oh my, I wouldn't be able to let go of him all day. I hope all is well and nothing like that happens again. I will admit that I am often afraid of something like that, and often have a bit of fear when I go check on a sleeping child.
Posted by: Laura Gallagher at May 12, 2006 05:45 PMThat's grim, Claudia. Glad he's ok.
Posted by: Bernard Guerrero at May 12, 2006 05:52 PMThat happened to me with Catie twice, for different reasons. Scariest moments of my life, and I don't think I'm over them yet. I'm glad Jacob is ok, and I'm sure he's getting extra kisses.
Posted by: Carrie at May 12, 2006 06:27 PMYou know, for a moment there, I was baffled. Catie? Oh! Peanut! :-)
Yes, lots of kisses. Plenty of attention, holding, cuddling. He's asleep for 1.5 hours as I'm writing this and I checked on him twice.
A long night that is going to be. Not that I'm complaining!
Thank you, every one.
Posted by: claudia at May 12, 2006 06:33 PMLarry told me I'd say "Yikes!" when I read this most recent blog entry. I did, and my heart rate definitely increased. And I wasn't even there. Glad he's okay (and you too!).
Posted by: Natalie at May 13, 2006 04:35 AMThe worst thing, yes: Like L.G., it's the nightmare murmering at the back of one's head: And for you it took shape--! Like sailing into Lord wossname (Roop?)'s island.
So glad you came out the other side!
Posted by: Carbonel at May 15, 2006 01:30 AMThe worst thing, yes: Like L.G., it's the nightmare murmering at the back of one's head: And for you it took shape--! Like sailing into Lord wossname (Roop?)'s island.
So glad you came out the other side!
Posted by: Carbonel at May 15, 2006 01:31 AMDear Claudia,
i just read this today and I am frozen!
I can't believe that happened to you and little Jacob. I was out of contact with anything you were doing in Armenia and I was so happy to find this blog on an old mail I was going to erase... I am glad I kept it and I could be in contact with you.
Since you left, our mom's group in Bucharest is so lonely and I really miss you and the boys.
Is not what it used to be!
I am glad Jacob is ok and hope all will be well with him. Did you take him to the doctors? what did they say?
love,
Gabriela(Raven's mom)