You might actually suck if...

The list to follow lists the signs that you suck. By "suck", I mean that you are incompetant with computers and you will eventually be left behind by the children of the new generation.

If, by reading this list, you find that you do, in fact, suck, do not panic. It is not the end of your world. There are plenty of other ways to make a living without even touching a computer or "getting online" as we techies call it. Early retirement is one of these options. However, with the Information Era spreading as quickly as it is, you can conceivably be replaced by a box soldered together by a 6-figure making teenager named Lord Xen0cide.

Realize that there are other ways to suck; this test is not all-inclusive. One can be incompetant in other areas as well as being unskilled with technology. If you find that this list to follow does not apply to you, don't feel badly. You could possibly still suck in another, more serious manner. But that's another list.

...you enter the "2600" group chat lines and type in "I just bought a modem so I can get on America Online. How do I hack?" (LX)
...you go to a garage sale and find a 8086 for $50, then buy it.
...you pay $55 for a used hard drive said to be 2.5GB, take it home and find that it is only 5MB, but you don't return it because you can still use it.
...the reason you don't have America Online is because it is too technical for you.
...your Clapper is too technical for you.
...it takes your computer longer to run a surface scan on your floppy disks than your hard drive.
...your computer does not have a hard drive to surface scan.
...you can not type your memo because you forgot how to get into MS-DOS Editor (or better still: edlin).
...you find yourself wondering where the thesaurus, spelling, and grammar checkers are as you use MS-DOS Editor.
...when you start your computer, the first thing you type in is LOAD "" [ENTER] (LX)
...you are amazed by the fancy worm of "Nibbles".
...your total hard disk space is less than your kindergarden-child's age.
...you have ever identified yourself as Lord Xen0cide.
...you think you are lucky when your modem connects at it's full 300 baud.
...you are forced download a 17K text file overnight, wake up the next day and you are surprised that it finished in so few hours.
...you think a monitor is so high-tech that you would probably never use it anyway. (LX)
...you feel that America Online is just trying to take your money when they tell you that you need a modem.
...you think that God gave your computer the virus you found.
...you figure there is no point in buying fancy sound stuff when the built-in PC speaker is more than enough.
...you ask the salesman to "put it in layman's terms" when he shows you how to use a keyboard.
...you think color monitors are "just a fad".
...you buy any software from the 98 cent Clearance Center because they have the only software your computer can support.
...you take it home and realize that this software is actually too advanced for your computer to handle.
...the technology at your high school/college consists of a grandfather clock and a flush toilet.
...the technology at your office consists of a Franklin moveable-type printing press.
...you call 3.5" disks "hard disks" citing the fact that, "Hey, they're hard, aren't they?"
...you open your computer and reveal a hornet nest.
...your computer's internal power shuts down, you pop it open and discover that the hamster died in his wheel.
...your computer doubles as a meat locker.

If you find that you do suck, you are not alone. There are millions of people who have not a clue about computers, and 95% of them subscribe to America Online. There are even cases where the Head of Technology at schools is passed by his/her students.

Source: alt.humor <bleedingorifice@mindless.com>
Comments: webmaster@bookcase.com
Last Updated: 10/14/98